The Everything You Fear Is Fear Itself!

I needed to take this picture…

I suppose the first recollection I have is when I was about 6 or 7 years old. I would scream at the top of my lungs whenever my parents would leave me and my younger sister in the car so that they could drop in to the grocery store for a minute or two. These screams were by no means muted or normal, I would have full on fits while Joanie, my younger sister would stare at me and shake her head in both annoyance and disbelief. 

The next memory I have is from about 20 years ago. I was playing basketball at the Y, after a night of drinking and took an elbow to my neck. As I struggled back to my feet, and leaned on the wall, my whole world changed in a flash. With one elbow to the neck I was back in that back seat in my parent's car screaming at the top of my lungs not wanting to be left alone. I could see my heart beating out of my chest and felt that I was in danger. I wasn't sure of what the danger was, but I was sure that in a room full of no less than 30 grown men, I was all alone. 

Last year when I left the States to go to Dubai while sitting at the Social House, a restaurant in The Mall Of Dubai, as I ate it started to hit me. Suddenly my chest tightened, what I was hearing seemed garbled and my arms started to tingle all over. Here it is again, I'm all alone in a place that has at least 200 people in it and I'm losing it. I quickly asked for the check and left as coming up for air normally did the trick. 

Yesterday as I took on the task of taking a 60 mile bike ride, I decided I'd take a familiar trail in order assure myself that I would get it done, the only issue was that I would have to head down that trail for at least 10 more miles than I had ever been before. As I approached the very spot that would mark my new conquest it hit me. Suddenly the road closed in on me, the sky darkened, my breath quickened and my heart started beating out of my chest. As I continued on my head started to spin and I felt disoriented. I looked ahead and for the first time in 20 miles of riding for the day, I noticed that I was all alone. It was as if the world was suddenly depopulated and there I was having to fend for myself. The music in my headphones became deafening and the trees along the trail started to crowd me. I thought to myself, "my only hope is to turn around to what is familiar." I started to turn around and then it hit me. This wasn't panic, there was nothing wrong with me at all. What I was feeling was fear. I was caught in the cold grip of it and needed to break away from it in order to save myself. 

Panic attacks should be redefined as fear attacks, it's easier to combat when thought about in proper context. Trust me, in my head I am going through a list of things to define the moment at hand and help me to cope with the situation so the least of the issue is the panic. It is fear that keeps me still. It is fear that has my mind wandering. It is fear that makes me take an assesment of each of my faculties, my heart, my pulse, my breath, my vision, my hearing, my soul, my sense of abandonment and my sense of security in that moment. 

In an attempt to understand why I am haunted by the issues from time to time, I have linked the feelings that I have shared in these times to my first account, maybe the feeling of abandonment or feeling alone was the trigger in that case, maybe it's the trigger in each case. Knowing the trigger(s) is helpful to me in the defining moment as it helps me to realize that this thing can be fought and conquered if I am properly prepared. 

Fear has a crippling effect, it grabs you by the waist and holds you in place as if the only protection is to stand in place and do nothing. I'm sure of the road that I just traveled, but I have no clue of what lay ahead and after all, there could be danger, is the thought that dominates you in that moment. 

As for my ride yesterday, I'm happy to say that I continued on after realizing that the issue was the road yet to be traveled, the one unknown was the road that lay ahead. I'd traveled the road behind me more times than I cared to share, but that road ahead was full of goblins as far as I was concerned. I submit to you that the day was sunny and bright with the exception of this minute, the picture at the top was taken in that moment. It's funny, that this entire episode only lasted for about 30 seconds or so but to me and people like me, this 30 seconds seems to last for days and can strike at any moment. I wasn't going to write about this, as it is so personal, but a friend posted a video on Facebook today (the video attached) 

that was THE right thing at just THE right time. Jim Carey's video spoke to my soul and gave me another tool in which to arm myself in my childish moments. I beg you to take the time to listen to this 3 minute video and send it to a friend that may be in need. I chose a few of my favorite quotes from his speech that related to the issues that haunted me in the past and claim that today I choose Love and will never look back again. I claim victory over fear and would like to give others a chance at the same peace that came over me yesterday and was confirmed today after watching the video. "The effect you have on others is the most valuable currency there is."  "Our eyes are not viewers, they are also projectors that are running a second story over the pictures that we see in front of us all the time; Fear is writing that script."  "Choose love and don't ever let fear turn you against your playful heart." 

I'd like to thank Angela Clark for posting the video, the timing couldn't have been more suitable...