Advice is Give & Take it on the Chin No More... - Keys To Giving or Receiving Advice.

The other day a friend asked for my opinion on a personal situation, while I knew better than to provide my two cents I went ahead and accommodated. What ensued was exactly what I knew was bound to happen in the first place, calamity. After we stopped the exchange I was left to ponder where it all went wrong. What I came up with are my keys to giving and receiving advice. As a matter of fact without both parties understanding and being receptive to this I will simply refuse to be a part of offering my advice or receiving the advice of others.

Understanding that most people don't want your advice at all, in fact what they really crave is validation. Realizing that the way I see things may in deed be different then you anticipated.  Knowledge that without the entire "story" your advice will be limited and might seem rather pointed. Accepting that the person asking or receiving the advice might be married to their own view point so proceeding with caution is a must. And Finally, agreeing not to make this situation a personal attack on one another.

Validation is something that I think we all want on some level. When I ask for your advice am I really wanting you to disagree with me? I think not. If I'm like most all I really want is to know that I am right and that you in all of your infinite wisdom agree with the words that are coming out of my mouth. I think this is the biggest problem with advice getting or taking. People generally seek out those that they think are like minded so they can get the feedback that validates their own side of the discussion. What I have found is that if I am clear in the first place as to what the rules of engagement are on this front then both parties come into the discussion knowing that I may not be able to validate you or your side of events. In fact I may do just the opposite but it might give you a fresh perspective on the issue. 

We are all shaped by our past experiences in one way or another, this is in fact what gives us our own perspective on different issues. That being the case it is almost impossible for people to see eye to eye on everything discussed. What I do now is to let you know that I am the way I am due to what I have been through and that will be my perspective throughout the discussion. Of course I can temper this with the fact that you may not have gone through the same thing so there may be a disconnect on that end but we will agree to respect that fact first. I'm convinced that this brings about healthy and positive exchange and keeps each party from taking things out of context.

Knowledge that for the most part you will only have one side of the story; the sender's side. The fact that I only know your version of events means that I have to offer advice based on the side of the story that you have shared. Your perspective may be completely different than your counterpart and somewhere between both sides lies the truth. If I'm not a fly on the wall how can I give you solid and fair advice? I can only give advice based on what's in front of me. The tone of your voice, the words being used in a text, the direction of the conversation are all cues for me to react in one way or another but if I fall prey to those things am I being fair to you as a friend offering advice that is supposed to be for your benefit or mine? In this case what I will do is point out ALL that I know on the situation first hand, so if you've only chosen to share the negative then that's all that I have to bounce back at you. This approach has helped me to see how one sided I/you may have been in the past when sharing information that I/you need an opinion on. It's funny that most people tend to only brag or complain, there's rarely a conversation that starts off with "I gotta tell you about the normal day we had yesterday"? My assumption is that if more of these days were shared then the advice offered can be more fair and balanced.

There are times when I can be intrenched in my opinion. It doesn't matter who says what, I know what works for me and assume that others have the same approach. What seems to logical to me may throw you in a tailspin so is it logical to expect you to embrace that? I understand that what I am offering or being offered is simple advice. I won't club you over the head with it or be mad at you for not buying into it so give me the same respect. If you are giving me your advice and I don't take it, is it fair for you to gather your toys and leave the playground? I don't think so but if that's your version of a  healthy response then have at it, I have chosen instead to remain respectfully in disagreement with you. It's really that simple, no hard feelings just relationship preservation. Some things are a process for people and that process has to be respected, even if you feel that you may be The authority on the subject in question. For me I have a series of steps that I take when doing everything and those steps work for me like a charm. I can't skip them or just wing it, if I really want to master something then pitfalls are a big part of that process. I have to understand where I went wrong in order to reference it for positive gain in the future.

Agreeing not to take advice as an affront to you is the most important key to this process. I can't tell you the amount of times that I may have left people feeling judged as a result of my advice. "I'm not stupid!" "I'm not crazy!" "You think I don't know that?" are phrases that I have heard and in some cases said. When most folks give you advice they are not saying any of these things to you, they are only offering their perspective, that's it that's all. Understanding this one key element can help you get what you need to get from the discussion, clarity and again a fresh perspective.

Crane Beach, Barbados

I'm certainly not asking that anyone follow these steps, pick your own if it helps but I will say that understanding these keys may be helpful when seeking out or giving advice. By following these simple steps I have at least been able to get people to understand how to better communicate with me when it comes to offering advice to me or taking it from me. The most important thing to consider is the end game, if you are in it to have a positive exchange then you will shape the experience to garner that result.